The first step to fostering desire is integrating the above information and updating your attitude around desire. You can get creative by recognising who is spontaneous, and who isn’t.
The second step is to facilitate the wanting and imagining.
Our spontaneous lovers can harness their passionate energy into creating inviting opportunities for partners to step into. For example; while spontaneous people know they want to eat, they might invite their partners to cook a meal together. This requires patience, because responsive people may not always accept this offer (and that’s okay).
Responsive and context sensitive people also have an important job; that is knowing what they need to access pleasure. This is important because it means while our wonderful spontaneous lovers are inviting us in, we need to know how to accept the offer, and utilise the opportunity without getting bogged down in thoughts like ‘they always want sex and I don’t’.
We all must manage our expectations of sexual experiences. Instead of assuming sex means penetration and orgasms, can we identify the things that help create a sexy context by trying to generate a situation that looks like;
low stress + high affection + explicitly erotic (naked people, sexy sounds or words, being sexually stimulated)
Managing stressors:
- Have you turned your phone to silent?
- Are you hungry, sleepy, or moody? You might need to address these first or acknowledge that they can slow things down.
- Can you light your favourite candle, or burn your favourite incense?
- Do you feel safe and comfortable?
Building affection:
- What kind of non-sexual touch do you like to receive, and give?
- When, where, and how would you like to experience it?
- Use your five senses to explore this
Building eroticism:
- What kind of sexual touch do you like to receive, and give?
- When, where, and how would you like to experience it?
- Again, use your five senses to explore this.
So while desire is at times an elusive component of sexuality, it is also something we can foster through intentional action. By recognising your desire style, communicating your needs to your partners, and creating the wanting; desire can thrive.