How To Have A Threesome

managing a ménage à trois

Whether you are single or in a committed relationship, threesomes are an exciting way to add a little something extra (pardon the pun) to your sexual experiences. While they can be both exhilarating and incredibly arousing, it’s important you enter a threesome experience (just like any other sexual experience) with consideration of your needs and the needs of those involved. Instead of passively moving into a threesome, strap your thinking cap on (or your thinking beret), and follow these 5 steps to a fulfilling and guaranteed HOT threesome experience.

Step 1 - Reflect

As a sex therapist, this is one of my favourite tasks to give clients because its often something people forget to do. If you’re thinking about trying a threesome, ask yourself why. Depending on your relationship status, your answer might vary. Are you doing this to challenge sexual norms, expand your sexual skills, or explore balances of power? Maybe you want to watch your partner have sex with another person or bring a third person in to ‘spice things up’? Whatever your reasons might be - sit down, map them out, ask yourself why you are doing it for this reason and make sure those reasons are going to benefit and not harm you.

Step 2 - Talk to your partner (if you're in a relationship)

This is one of the most important steps of all. Having an open and frank conversation with your partner about what you want and why you want it is so incredibly important. Lay it on all on the table for your partner so that they can determine whether it’s truly something they want to do. If they aren’t keen, you must respect that. Although you can also suggest a compromise – if sex is a no go, perhaps a three-way dance or kiss would be okay. Explore your options!

On the other hand, your partner might be unsure or ambivalent about what to do. In this case, spend some time talking through what they do and don’t like about the prospect of a threesome. They might need you to reassure them that you still love and want to be with them. Some people might misconstrue a threesome as a stepping-stone to a break-up, so if this is totally off the mark, reassure your partner that this is not the case.

Let’s move to the other scenario - your partner is completely and utterly keen *:’)*. This is gorgeous news! But don’t get ahead of yourself too quickly, you still need to be pragmatic here. Have a discussion about your desires, boundaries and non-negotiables. These might include not sleeping with friends, certain sexual acts off the cards, safe sex practices or rules about second sex dates. You can also fill out a ‘want, will, won’t’ card by establishing what you want to do, what you can do if your partner wants it, and what you simply won’t do. Also discuss how you will manage jealousy, anger or inadequacy if it arises during the threesome. These feelings are more likely to come about if your needs aren’t being met, so make sure you establish your needs during your discussion, and plan how you will navigate these tricky emotions if they do develop mid-threesome.

On top of a discussion, you should also never forget the power of fantasies! A great way to check whether you are both on the same page is to have sex or mutually masturbate, while exploring your threesome fantasies out loud. Your erotic self might actually want something that your everyday self wasn’t aware of, so put yourself in that mindset, with your partner beside you, and take your partner on a journey of your threesome desires.

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Step 3 - Find your hook up (s)

Just like any other two-way hook up, a threesome will happen in a fairly similar way. That is, meeting people at parties, pubs, and bars, or any other social event. Friends or friends of friends are also a great option (if that doesn’t cross your boundaries), meanwhile apps such as Feeld, Grindr and Instagram are also a great way to meet and chat to new people.

As a single person, orchestrating a threesome will be easier if you join a couple. However, finding two single people is not totally impossible. Just surround yourself with an open-minded crowd and you can make it happen. It might also play out by hooking up with one person on one night, discussing your desires, and then finding a third person another night.

If you are in a relationship, one of you might find an interest in a third person before the other does. It’s important that you give your partner time to make up their own mind too, so introduce your partner to them and see if the three of you have a good dynamic. Drop in a few flirty lines and gauge their response. You can also try being a little flirty and touchy with your own partner in front of the third person as it might help them decide whether it’s something they want to be a part of. From here, how you approach your threesome will depend on the mood. You might want to straight-out proposition them or invite them back to your house for more drinks. You can also get their number and ask them on a date another time down the track. Whichever way you do it, it’s imperative to get consent before any sexual acts begin. If they come back to yours and its totally platonic, that’s just the nature of casual hook ups – you need to respect that.

Step 4 - The Fun

If all parties are on board, you can start the fun by easing into things with a game. Perhaps truth or dare or a naughty Jenga (where sexual acts are written on each block) will help to set the mood! From there, if clothes have come off and everybody’s ready to go, you truly have a plethora of sex positions to try that provide pleasure for all involved. Just google ‘threesome sex positions’ and you’ll see what I’m talking about. Alternatively keep an eye our for an upcoming Le Journal article next month ;) x

Step 5 - Aftercare

So, you’ve had your fun and you (hopefully) have your after-sex glow. Now it’s time to check in with everyone and see how you are all feeling about your experience. Use this time to communicate anything that came up for you, gauging whether certain topics are best had with everyone or just your partner. If someone’s experience wasn’t so great, give them time to explain what they felt and support them in doing this. Also use this space to discuss what you liked and loved about the experience too. Perhaps it’s something you want to try again, maybe it was just a once off. Talking about the experience can be just as fun as having it. Communication is key!  

 

Overall, threesomes can be an amazing way to explore your sexuality. If you communicate, respect boundaries, practice safe sex, get continual consent, and check-in with all involved, you’ll have all the basics covered for a fun, hot and steamy menage a trois.

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