Once upon a time, I was a woman who had no idea what an orgasm felt like. I grew up in such a way that sex was shrouded in shame, and that took quite some time to untangle. I still have the normal insecurities that many people have, but with a bit of work, and a whole lot of practice (if you know what I mean), I started to learn the ins and outs and underneath spaces of my body and how to reach that point of no return.

Now I’d love to share with you the wisdom that took me a couple of decades to discover so that maybe you can find your release sooner rather than later. Sex and pleasure should be celebrated!

tiny deaths
La Petite Mort is a French expression that I love! Maybe you’ve heard of it. Maybe you haven’t. But it can mean little or tiny deaths when referring to orgasm (gotta love how sexy the French are). The expression is wrapped up in metaphor after metaphor that is related to slipping between the sheets but also to what it means to take risks, to try new things, to fail, to get back up, and, maybe most important of all, to surrender to your own desires and pleasure and trust that it is good. To trust that you are good. That you are enough. That you are worth it.

The first time that I reached orgasm, I was confused about whether I was actually successful or not. Shockingly, I was - I know, that sounds like such a transformative experience, but it is a common first-time experience for some. I was under the impression that I was supposed to look and feel like one thing, when in reality, everyone is different and it’s ok if we don’t make the movements and sounds of Hollywood (and it’s definitely ok if we do). When I finally let go and let my body surrender to this unknown space, I finally understood and experienced a tiny death, a moment of stepping into a space where you can’t tell if you are coming apart or coming together at that life and death threshold. I know it sounds dramatic. That’s why it’s a metaphor.

There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to reaching the climax of your story (you know where it climbs and climbs and you are getting to the good parts of the plot, the climax happens, and then you begin the slow descent back down?). Some people can find their sweet spots quickly, and some need more of a build-up of foreplay and fantasy and sometimes even using altered states of being. Let’s take a look at some secrets, and not-so-secrets that will lead to that standing O.

1. Close your eyes and feel where you are most in your body.
I don’t know what your relationship with sex and sexual pleasure are, but anyone can try this. Once you close your eyes, notice where you are in your body. Are you in your chest? Maybe you notice sensation in your ear lobes (don’t worry, it’s a thing)? Maybe you’re feeling warmth in certain spaces? The point of this exercise is to get you out of your head and into your body. Oftentimes, when we are struggling to find ourselves peering over that cliff of ecstasy, it is because our minds are getting in the way. Dropdown into your body. Touch it. Describe it. Taste it. You get the idea. Be in your body. Unless you don’t want to be.

2. Let go of expectations.
This goes hand-in-hand with getting out of your head. If you carry expectations with you, whether playing alone or with someone else, then there is a chance that you’ll be greeting disappointment when things don’t go as planned. Let go of expectations and just be in the moment, in the sensations of your body, and leaning into the experience.

3. Breathe.
And keep on breathing. I know, I know, what kind of sex advice is breathing? Maybe you’ve noticed the pattern that we humans tend to overthink a lot. “Does my stomach look weird in this position? Oh my gosh, I hope that sound wasn’t from me. If I tell them to touch me this way, will it hurt their feelings?” You get the idea. Just breathe. Trust yourself. Trust your words. Trust your body. The more you can relax into this experience, the better. And breathing mindfully can actually physiologically bring you to orgasm in a more powerful way, without side effects that tend to happen when we hold our breath during release.

4. Get a bit frisky.
Sometimes spontaneity is a secret ingredient to orgasm. If you’re not down to get it on in the back of a car or to venture off to your local sex club (they exist), maybe you can instead break out a vibrator , spreader bars (oh my!), or whatever other fantasy ideas that you or you and your partner have been itching to try. I was always one to play it safe during an experience that wasn’t always safe for me, but when I decided to step outside my comfort zone and let my imagination lead the way, I discovered that the novelty contributed to a more orgasmic life.

5. The not-so-secret of communication.
We all know that communication is an important part of any relationship, and that includes the one you have with yourself. How are you speaking to a partner with your words and with your body? How are you communicating with yourself about your body? What is your body saying to you? Even during kinkier play where there is more “risk,” safety is still an essential component, at least for me, for my ability to reach orgasm. You can communicate exactly what you want and how you want it. Find ways to make yourself feel safe enough to be vulnerable and open to a complete letting go. Those ways could be vocalizing your preference for the use of a condom , or that could be telling your partner exactly what you like, and also what you don’t like.

The magic secret sauce of orgasm really boils down to prioritizing your own pleasure and taking the time to get to know your body and quiet your mind. To feel that full-body melt, you’ve gotta put in the work, and then get out of your way and let it happen and say Oh La La!