Thanks to more widespread awareness and acceptance of sexuality, more people are feeling comfortable to come out as queer or part of the LGBTQIA+ community, which means there’s also an influx in those who have come out later in life (myself included!).
Whether you’ve known you fancy folks of the same sex for a while or have only recently realised it, the first few times going down on a woman or a person with a vulva can definitely feel daunting. Despite possibly having one yourself, it’s often extremely nerve wracking to know what to do and how to provide your partner with the most pleasure possible.
To save you frantically googling ‘how to lick a pussy’ in the bathroom during a date while your lover waits patiently on the bed, I’ve collated my best tips for newbies.
Flip the Scripts
When you’ve only ever had sexual experiences of the hetero kind, having queer sex suddenly feels really different. To speak in the binary, when you’ve only had sex with men before you start dating women, it can feel daunting to know who takes the lead when traditional gender roles no longer exist. But I encourage you to see this as an invitation for you to open up your world to new possibilities and ways of relating. When it comes to WLW relationships, there are no unspoken rules about who makes the first move, or who comes first. To begin with, it can take some time to shed yourself of the cis het conditioning, but as you begin your exploration you’ll feel a sense of freedom you may have been missing before.
Pleasure is the Purpose
Again, if you’re new to the world of the pussy after spending most of your life with the peen, the way you approach sex and pleasure may be quite heteronormative. Buckle up, because your sex life is about to multiply. Given the very different way that men and women experience orgasm, sex between women tends to last a lot longer. Some research suggests that the duration of sex between women tends to be 2-4 times longer than straight sex. A huge reason for this is our ability to have multiple orgasms, and the focus being about the experience of pleasure as opposed to racing towards one ejaculatory orgasm and then calling it a day. With this being said, I encourage you to rethink the way you view sex and reframe pleasure as the purpose, as opposed to orgasm being the goal.
Take Your Time
There’s no rush when it comes to pussy on pussy pleasure. So allow yourself to slow down, breathe and take your time. Explore your lover's body from the outside in, thinking of penetration as the very final step (or at least final for the first round!). Take time to build the arousal throughout her body so she’s ready. Our minds are our biggest and most important sex organ, so don’t dismiss the flirty conversation and lingering eye contact to build that desire. Rather than rushing to the goods, spend plenty of time making out, stimulating erogenous zones such as the lips, ears, neck, breasts and nipples before you make your way down south.
Use Your Words
Many vulva owners have experienced some kind of shame around the way they look, taste or smell thanks to certain media and misinformation. So, it’s important to be aware of the possibility that your lover may feel self conscious in some way. To counteract this, you can openly tell them how beautiful, perfect or sexy you think they are. Not only will this help soothe any nerves and build arousal, but it will allow them to soften and open up to pleasure.
Communication is hot, so even though you might know the way you typically like to be touched, be sure to check in and ask questions throughout sex so you can begin to learn your lover’s pleasure language.
When you get down south, dont head straight for the vulva, but rather tease the inner thighs and outer lips of the vulva first. From there it’s best to start slow and soft. Lick up along the length of the vulva in long strokes to begin warming them up. Lick and suck the inner and outer labia. With a pointed tongue, you can now begin to weave your way up the inner labia and around the clit, perhaps drawing zig zag patterns across the labia or circling the clit. Tease the entrance to the vagina by clicking the tongue around the area and even sliding a tongue gently inside.
When you get to the clit, there’s lots of options for ways to stimulate this sensitive area. As always, check in with your partner and read their body for what they are responding to. You can flick your tongue up and down or side to side, gently suck or pulsate your tongue along the tip.
For more in depth demos, check out my Pussy Pro series.
Sex is so much more than penetration, and many vulva owners don’t enjoy it for many reasons. So, as always, it’s really important to ask your lover whether or not they would like them, before you introduce fingers into the mix. If it’s an enthusiastic yes, then you’re good to go.
There’s much debate about which fingers are the ‘right’ fingers to use when it comes to fingering. But really, the only right answer is what you and your partner feel most comfortable with. I suggest using Frenchie’s Oh La La Love Lube to decrease friction and increase pleasure.
You might like to begin with just one finger, slowly entering and pulsating to get a feel for what your partner responds to. From there generally you can use either your pointer and middle finger, or middle and ring.
Each combo has its pros and cons. Pointer + Middle gives you a bit more strength and endurance. Whereas Middle and ring allow the other fingers (pointer and pinky) to act as a sort of ‘frame’, essentially massaging the labia as you work your magic inside. Whichever you choose, there’s many ways you can make your lover writhe in delight through the power of your digits.
The most tried and true method is the come hither fingers which work wonders on the g-zone. Once your two fingers of choice are inside, slightly curl your fingers into a hook as though you are telling someone to ‘come here’ (well, I guess you kind of are, aren’t you?). From here, you can explore with speed and pressure, pulsating on the squishy round area known as the ‘g-spot’. You can also massage the area and see what your lover likes. To save you from finger fatigue, a popular method is to have your elbow at a right angle and move from your shoulder to guide your fingers up and back against the g-spot.
We have a hell of a lot of erogenous zones inside our vaginal canal, so you might like to explore more, asking your lover where it feels good and stopping to stimulate that zone. Remember that fingers aren’t a proxy cock, so you don’t have to use them the same way you would a penis, unless that's what your partner likes, of course. Get creative and follow the pleasure!
Amp Up the Pleasure
Sex toys and pleasure tools are a great way to explore the edges of your arousal and will be an invaluable addition to your new queer sex life. Try pairing The Petit Eiffel with your tongue or fingers to add extra vibration and sensation directly on the clit while you make them moan. The Double Entendre is the ultimate in versatility with its flexible body and dual head for both internal and external stimulation. Use this for clitoral, vaginal, g-pot and anal pleasure - the possibilities are endless.
There you have it, your beginners guide to going down. Remember though, that there is no one way to provide pleasure and communication is key. Don’t pressure yourself to be a sex goddess straight out of the gate, but instead open yourself up to learning your lover's body. I guarantee you’ll both be panting in pleasure in no time.