Sex Toys And Relationships: How To Initiate The Conversation

We've been taught that sexual pleasure and desire is something that is private and personal. It can be uncomfortable opening this part of you to others. But having the conversation allows you and your partner to understand each other's pleasure and desires better.

1 min read
Sex Toys And Relationships: How To Initiate The Conversation

Shopping for pleasure products can often feel like a very private, intimate journey we must embark on alone. 

Whether it be choosing which porn to watch, choosing our next vibrator or stroker, or even picking out condoms, we often feel that since we’ve been taught that our sexual desires and what brings us pleasure must be kept to ourselves, that we have to seek out the products that enhance our pleasure and sexual experiences in this same, secretive way.

Sometimes, we like to keep parts of our sexual selves private, as a way of maintaining a connective, curious, sexual relationship with ourselves outside of any of our other sexual relationships. This is extremely important whether you are in relationships or not. Whatever our connection to sexual partners, we must continue to prioritise our sexual relationship with ourselves, in order to authentically access pleasure in partnered sex. 

It can be extremely healing to explore the diversity of pleasure products and sex toys on our own, as a way of empowering our solo sex practice. I absolutely encourage keeping some things just for ourselves in our sex lives. Having things you do alone can feel like a dirty little secret with yourself in the best way, and it can be quite a turn on. 

However, sometimes it can be equally exciting in the context of sexual relationships with others, to do our sex toy shopping together.

Sex Toys And Relationships

If you’ve never explored different pleasure products with a partner, it can feel quite difficult to introduce them into this part of your sex life for many reasons. 

The sex toys we choose directly correlate to our sexual desires, interests, fantasies, kinks, and many other access points to our unique pleasure. They are truly so personal, so disclosing the products we like or are curious about to our partner(s) can feel quite vulnerable. Giving someone this window into our sexual bodies and who we are, sexually can feel like baring the soul of the sexual body. 

We live in a world that has taught us to keep sexual desire and how we access pleasure hidden away from the world, that this part of us is shameful, and that it can only be accepted if it looks a certain way, or if we access pleasure in a certain way, which is often related to binary-based gender politics. Because of this conditioning, there is often a lot of shame and fear of judgment associated with sharing our pleasure products of choice with our partner(s). We don’t want them to suddenly look at us differently if they learn we are into something particular, that we maybe haven’t tried with them. Or perhaps we are worried about what our choice in sex toys may say about our gender expression, values, and other facets of our identities. 

A lot of fear can also come up around offending our partner(s) if we are to suggest introducing toys as a way to enhance a sexual experience. We may not want them to feel as though they aren’t satisfying us, or that they aren’t enough just as they are. 

So how do we have these conversations in a way that feels supportive and loving, rather than offensive or diminishing to our partner(s) and the sex we’ve been having?

Well first and foremost, your pleasure should never be offensive to your sexual partners. 

If your partner is offended by how you access pleasure, then a larger conversation needs to be had. Due to internalised misogyny and the harmful belief that to be in a sexual relationship with someone is to have ownership over their pleasure, it is not uncommon for the suggestion of introducing toys and other pleasure products to feel like an undermining of one’s ability to pleasure their partner. 

Firstly, it is important to remember that even when in relationships, our pleasure is ours and ours alone. While we may share ourselves and receive pleasure from our partner(s) in a safe and supportive way, we are still the only ones that get to own and control our pleasure. If we feel safe with our sexual partners, the call to introduce sex toys in a way that feels supportive has to come from inside the house. It has to come from within us, as a way of claiming our agency over our pleasure and advocating for ourselves. In a safe and supportive sexual relationship, this agency and self advocacy should be met with tenderness, curiosity and ultimately, joy. 

In relationships, it is important to remember that pleasure products are our allies, not our competition, when it comes to partnered sex. If the goal is for everyone to have the best possible time, and to experience the type of pleasure they truly desire, then sex toys should never be seen as a threat, but rather, a teammate. 

Of course, this new journey has to begin with a conversation. 

Initiating The Conversation

Opening up discussion around integrating new things in your partnered sex life is important for gauging how your partner(s) may feel about the ideas you have, and/or their willingness to explore with you. This is also a good opportunity to establish consent, boundaries, and how to move forward together in a safe and compassionate way. 

If it is new to be discussing sex toys in the context of your relationship, here are some ways to initiate the conversation that invite more curiosity and tenderness. 

“I feel really safe with you in our sex life, and because of this I feel called to explore pleasure more deeply together. Would you be open to introducing some different types of pleasure products to our sex life?”

“I’ve noticed this particular thing feels really good for me, and I’d like to find some products that support us going further in that direction.”

“I’d love to get to know your pleasure better. Have you ever used any sex toys that you really enjoyed?”

“I have always tended toward using this toy in my solo sex practice, and I feel that bringing this into our partnered sex life could enhance our pleasure together.”

“I’m curious to learn more about my own pleasure, and I’m curious about this product. Would you like to come on this journey with me?” 

“I’ve been thinking that integrating some different products in our sex life could help us get to know eachother better sexually.”

Back to blog

Our Best Sellers