A global pandemic, lockdowns and no clear end in sight isn’t exactly a recipe for thriving desire. We’ve been through a lot lately and many people are noticing the impact it is having on their desire for sex. In session I am seeing how the current state of the world is impacting people differently. I’m supporting couples who are overwhelmed by the amount of time they are having to spend together and as a result not exactly feeling like ripping each other's clothes off. And when it comes to my clients who are single, they’re identifying a sense of isolation, and a confusing duality of both wanting to meet someone and get close to them but equally having no energy to connect with someone new.
Regardless of your relationship choice or living situation - it’s likely you’ve noticed changes in your desire right now. And these changes can feel really confusing - I’m hearing a lot of: “I know I feel like shit! But I just can’t shake this feeling” It can feel overwhelming when we don’t feel like ourselves and we have little control over it.
Your desire for sex isn’t just made in the bedroom, it often requires a well rounded approach. If you’re needing a little desire pulse check - you are certainly not alone, and there’s a lot you can do.
Give yourself a break:
I mean this in the most gentle way possible. Take the pressure off yourself to be a wildly horny and orgasmic being right now. When I invite my clients to take the pressure off themselves I can see their bodies physically change - it’s like a weight is lifted off their shoulders. Instead of trying to desire sex, how would it feel to be just fine - ask yourself: what’s in the way between me and feeling fine? And whatever it is that you need - do it. Your desire for sex can fluctuate as influenced by a range of things, so it may be useful to identify the problem - has anything changed lately? How are your relationships? How do you feel in your body? How sexually confident are you right now? Are any medications affecting your desire? There may also be no obvious reasons - and that’s ok too! If it’s bothering you it may be worth speak with a professional!
It's an incredibly stressful time - when you’re stressed your body goes into fight or flight response and produces the stress hormone cortisol. In this state, your body is basically trying to survive danger - whether that danger is perceived or real - and over time chronic stress affects your desire. It may sound so simple, but daily stress management practices are vital for hacking your desire. Figure out what’s your best outlet: journaling, exercise, movement, dancing, connecting with others, feet in some grass… In this busy productive world it is so important for our nervous systems to have time to rest and reset.
Create the context for desire
Tricky in a lockdown, I know, but if you want to desire sex more it’s so important to create the context for it and bring sex front of mind. We all have sexual turn-ons and turn-offs, sex researcher Emily Nagoski has radcially shaped how we speak about and educate on the topic of desire. Nagoski teaches the two responses in the brain that relate to the start and stop of a satisfying sexual experience: an ‘accelerator’ and a ‘brake.’ The accelerator is the part of your brain that notices sexually relevant information. Like when you receive a really passionate kiss, or you watch a sex scene. The brake is the part of your brain that notices reasons to not be sexually aroused such as stress, inhibitions, and threats. For your accelerator to kick into gear, you must be in an accelerating context - this context will be different for everyone so spend some time figuring out what turns you on and off, and start creating the context for desire. I recommend all clients to get their hands on Emily Nagoskis book ‘Come as you are’ as well as the workbook with great activities to explore solo or with other.
Explore something new
It’s not all work here! It can be a whole lot of fun too! Always been curious about erotic novels? Read them! Wanted to receive a sensual massage? Ask for it! Curious about sensory play? Ever wanted to introduce a toy or device into foreplay? We’ve got you covered!!! We have a whole range of incredible products and new things to try - le masque, sex dice, lube and very soon toys!!! Bring sex front of mind by tapping into your curiosity, go exploring and invest in your pleasure!
There are amazing professionals out there who can support you, you don’t have to figure this out on your own!! Do some research or speak to your GP to find the right practitioner for you.
by Georgia Grace